The Catholic Message Board

He doesn't stick closer than a brother. He lies about answering prayers. And apparently he has no problem resisting his mother's prayers.

Check it out: I've had harm OCD for 30 years. I can't stop worrying I'm going to snap and kill my parents. God has never helped me get through this. No matter what I did. Then God gave me borderline personality disorder, or an inability to manage my emotions. This led people to leave me. Then God decided I'd lose my job. Then as I was trying to find work, and I never made more than 11 an hour, God decided to break my back. I've been partially disabled since. Then God decided, despite my prayers for years and years, to give my father cancer. And I have to be his caregiver. And I have Harm OCD. And I'm all alone. And I have no help.

Because I was desperate and could see what was coming, in 2014 I prayed earnestly to win the lotto. I have no skills, I couldn't find work, I had 160,000 in loan debt, and our house was falling apart. I prayed the 54-day novena. Nothing. No help. Now, as our basement is filled with water, our roof is blowing off, and our truck is dead, I wonder why God did that.

I read the story of a little old lady who wanted to put on a Catholic musical at the church. She didn't have the money to do it. She prayed to God to win the lottery. She got "angry" at him. And like that, she won 3 million dollars.

I am almost 50. I have never had my own life. God has made sure that my mind is broken, that I'm angry, or sad, or in intense fear. He's given me the stress of loneliness and the responsibility of caregiving for a man dying of cancer. And speaking of that, why would God give someone rectal cancer in a house with no running water? Do you know how messy that is?

He's cruel. He plays favorites. He doesn't listen to prayer. I have prayed for 11 years for God to kill me, and he doesn't even have the decency to do that. I haven't slept in months as I have to change dad 10 times a day. I have all the responsibility and none of the authority. None of this is fair. None of this is loving. Everything claimed in the Sacred Heart prayer is a flat out lie.

I was perfectly willing to take care of dad, but it's impossible when not only do I have no help on earth, but when the guy who says "Ask anything of the father in my name and it will be given" doesn't give.

God is a jerk. He just is.

I allowed your post because it seems like you need a place to vent. I am very sorry for all the pain and suffering in your life. I am afraid what you need is more help than this little message board can provide. Is there anyone you can go to in real life? I will pray you can find the help you need.

I don't know what Harm OCD is, but before you can address your spiritual dilemma, you need to address the issue of medical intervention in order to help stabilize your perspective.

Then go to God with your anger. Any father (and if God is truly the Father) would rather have his child come to him with his anger than to have that child turn away.

I understand the brokenness you feel. I believe to some extent any one of us can. However, not everyone bears the same burden in life. There were multiple moments in my life where I was certain I had hit bottom. When my mom died unexpectedly, at a young age (I was 23 years old)... walking through the corridors of the hospital begging for any sign from God that my mom was somewhere, that she wasn't just blipped out of existence, only to be greeted by an echoing silence. Then to learn the following month that my mom's alcoholism (which led to her early death) was brought on by a 2nd cousin of hers who interpreted a friendly gesture from my mom the wrong way (my mom and dad and bought him and his family food to celebrate Thanksgiving... given dire circumstances at his house), this 2nd cousin came to my parents' house when my sister and I were off to school and my dad off to work, and he forced himself upon her. He threatened her that if she told anyone she would never see my sister and I again (we were in 5th grade and 2nd grade respectively). To show his sincerity he would park his car near the bus stop (which was just a couple of houses down from our house.

I had then learned this man's name. One evening, in late January, I went to a pay phone and called this man's house. I just wanted to hear what he sounded like. I learned that he was not available because he was visiting his daughter at her college. I was thinking, "he gets to visit his daughter and my mom has soil settling over her grave?"

It made no sense. It seemed cruel beyond cruel to allow this all to happen. Thinking of my mom's desperate attempts to live a normal life. All of my dad's stress over increasing insurance costs (mom was prone to drive while drunk racking up multiple DUIs), paying for hospital stays, sending my mom to places like Hazelden.

Then my bouts with depression, anxiety, and insomnia. This isn't to try to out duel anyone... I don't want to have your struggles. I'd much prefer mine. But though I can't say I received some great explanation for all of this - I'm not feeling the profound despair anymore. At times I can even find myself thankful for these burdens. It's hard to explain.

I'll keep you and your dad in my prayers. I know it might be hard for you to see this at the moment. You feel like you've been abandoned and I'm not about to tell someone how they should actually feel... but, though you feel abandoned, it sounds like your dad is pretty lucky to have you be there for him. My last memory of my dad was somewhat similar to yours. In 2017 he died of lung cancer that had spread to his brain. My last day with him conscious he messed his pants and he was mortified. I was trying to help him clean himself in the shower. All he kept saying was "I'm sorry, Tim... I'm sorry, Tim". My brother in law came and took over with the cleaning of him.... I was sad, embarrassed, angry, confused. But I left him. I washed up and left the house. He died a couple of days later. And I hated myself for leaving the house when he needed me. I wish I had that as a do over in life. My dad was there for me quite a bit when I was a child who needed help.... and when he needed it in a dire moment, I left overwhelmed.

You are blaming God for things that He didn't do.

1) We have freewill and so do other people. If they make bad choices that affect you, that's on them, not God and not you.
2) We choose how we respond to every situation. He can give us the grace to respond appropriately, but we must ask for it.
3) I am sorry you are dealing with personal issues and life has been hard. Seriously.

Plenty of saints had miserable lives. They don't now, but they stuck with it.

Jesus didn't live as a king but died a tortured criminal.

Doesn't get more unjust than the King of the Universe dying like a common criminal for doing absolutely nothing wrong. Jesus asked God that He let this cup pass from Him.

God said "no."